Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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