your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
