When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
