I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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