found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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