It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
