im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
