I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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