My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
