He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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