I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
