i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
