Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
