We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
