i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
