I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
