She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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