i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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