Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
