wrigley field is MILF paradise
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
