I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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