I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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