i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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