So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
