I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
