I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
