I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
