If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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