you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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