We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
