Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
