dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
