thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
