Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
