true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
