i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
