I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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