I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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