Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
