hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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