Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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