just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Come share oat with me in your robe
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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