I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
