How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want to fling myself into the sun
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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