Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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