I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My balls are so social today.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
