Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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