remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
