I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize