she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
