I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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