Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
